Healing Is Not Linear

Men and Women Heal Differently.  That was the statement that started me down a healthy debate path with one of my close friends.  The truth is, he is not wrong.  There may always be some truth to this because we process things differently, PERIOD.  But why I found myself with a little contention over the statement was because, deep down, the differences have so many consequences for those who decide to truly commit to the journey of healing for themselves.  It made me want to address it….AND I DID!

What It Takes

Commitment.  Dedication.  Compassion.  Loyalty. Self-Love.  Devotion.  Focus. Grace.  Understanding.  Willingness.

Conversations like this make me look back over my life in a real way.  They allow me to perform real assessments of myself and the men that I have encountered.  There is a disparaging difference in what I find to be missing for men but that is always ever present for women when making space for healing….their inability to sit still long enough!  During our discussion, my friend said, “we don’t take time, we just move on”.  There for me lies the problem.  

Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling of a blooming new relationship.  The excitement, the giggles, the butterflies, and that anticipation of being in each other’s energy, sends me every time.  However, just because there is something new in front of you, doesn’t mean you are escaping any of the trauma that lives beneath the newness.  Relationships, in their beginning stages, inadvertently give off the “absence of the old” vibes.  But as the connection deepens, things start bubbling to the surface and it's completely unavoidable.  That's the piece you forget!  Those things are likely the result of something “looking” like what you've been through triggering an old response. 

Why Time Matters...

With the absence of healing time, your tool box is low on resources that can be used to deal with what you see or the situation that is directly in front of you.  That means you are dealing with the present in past tense.  You are seeing the new thing through old lenses that you don’t even realize the prescription has run out on! This leaves you projecting your trauma onto someone who wasn’t in the same space with you when that trauma first occurred.  Now two people are hurt because one person decided that new was better than the Healing Journey.  This is where I find myself upset.

This scenario makes me ask myself this question, "Why are The Healing, responsible for holding space for the Non Healing and their baggage?"  The amount of times I have had to lift the burden of someone else's brokenness while honoring the commitment I made to myself, the ongoing work I consistently do and the grace I often have to give myself, in an attempt to stand firm in my own healing without wavering.  That lift is heavy and unsustainable.  There is no way it's a fair ask of anyone to show up as the best version of themselves for you, stay positive, be consistent and in light hearted energy while dealing with the foolishness of others who refuse to do the same.  I no longer accept the challenge.  It is too big of a risk to and sacrifice of my peace!

I no longer accept it being okay that others choose to skip the journey because it’s hard and unpleasant.  It is!  I've found that uncovering the WHYS in your life, the WHOS and WHATS responsible for some of your trauma, can hurt worse than when those things even happened in the first place.  But not taking yourself and emotions to task for the sake of growth and fulfillment, is creating a full society of people who are choosing to be alone.  This simply is because there are an ungodly amount of people in this world who have decided they will just keep packing their proverbial bags and moving along on their journey without the work...disabling them from self accountability. WHO HAS TIME FOR IT!?!?!

Moment of transparency....I wasn't always here but because I am, I am so much more subjective about this process.

What is also eye opening for me is, I had to take some really big hits in life to see that I too used to be guilty of this very thing.  I was terrified of self discovery and my inner Capricorn feels she is always right.  I can hear myself saying "Who are you to tell me that I am not!?!?!"  I would stubbornly stand in my wrong, my pain, my guilt, my trauma...I would not be apologetic for it either.  Until one day, I had a series of life changing moments that made facing myself unavoidable.  The biggest one...I had a daughter who would learn how to be the best version of herself, the best woman she could be, through looking at me.  Even if I had failed myself many times before that day, I couldn't fail her.  I couldn't live with that failure.   That was the wake up call that made Healing For Me a priority and I haven't looked back since.

Healing opens the door to forgiveness and that forgiveness is what allows people to release and break free.  They are able to move forward without the feelings that keep them connected or bound to the anger keeping them from growth.  That's another topic for another day.  But that has made me feel the most compelled to stop allowing people to use me as the safe space to unload traumatic feelings and emotions.  It used to make me feel valued that they needed me like that.  Trusted me even.  As I healed more, it started to make me disappointed and sometimes angry.  This is because these have often been the same people with unrealistic expectations that I could hold it without significantly changing myself in some negative way.  That their repeated apologies to change and be better would be enough to sustain the heartache it causes to be subjected to someone else's pain.

So now that I've been on this journey for a good while now, I am able to stand back from situations and view them through clearer lenses.  I see what is mine and I see what is theirs.  I am no judge or juror but I am the gatekeeper of my sanity and my peace.  I protect that at all costs now and it does, at times, come at the expense of connections I once valued.  If I honestly and openingly take responsibility for me and all of the things that come with me, that includes the trauma that does not belong to others.  It is mine to face, navigate, heal and release.  It is a personal responsibility and it should never be a process that others expect you to navigate for them.  

Anyway....all of that to say...let them heal.  When you see they need to heal and there is no work being done on their side to push that needle forward, pray for em and move around!  That's the best you can offer anyone who hasn't decided to commit to the process.

Love Ya'll!  Mean It!